Clemenceau by Pinback is one of the saddest songs. I feel amazing when i hear it.

So, two years you tell me the same thing over and over and act the same way...now look at this. I just dont see how hard it was for you to tell the truth in the first place, and maybe save me some time, not to mention a fucking ton of tears. I guess Im just a good person. I dont enjoy shitting all over other people and their emotions. I really hope you experience a fraction of the pain that I have. Yea, I know Im bitter. 

most seemingly idiotic statement ive ever made

I sincerely just wish i had a never ending expense account to be spent on clothing and shoes alone. I am in love with fabrics and designs and innovations in them, I love new colors and finding and making new schemes. Clothing is somehting that obviously plays a big part in self expression, its the most obvious and immediate way to express yourself to the public and me being poor all the time seriously hinders any chance i have of this. I look like shit every day and i feel bad about it. Im just being a whiney bitch because im going to be working my ass off all summer and keeping like... zero of the return. boo. hoo.

new st. vincent however is awesome. as well as the new camera obscura. which reminds me... i need money for summer festivals too. BAH.

I need to vent about something right now. My best friend around here, besides sabrina always, is rachel. Shes the only person i've found at college who i have made a true bond with, we love eachother and have a blast whenever we get together. She is just one of those firends where...we are on the same wavelength. I dont really meet alot of people who have the same humor, and interests, and tastes as i do especially not all at one which is just why i value her and Is friendship so much. She doesnt at all which is apparent when i decide not resist making efforts to see her and see that that comes to no contact in almost a month. ANYWAY the point is that she and I have been talking about living together at school next year, which would help our seeing-eachother issues since all her time is spent at rehearsals, work, school, and with Joel.... last week we were sending eachother links of apartments and whatnot, finding cool places close by that werent too expensive. I know shed rather live with me than her current roomate who is honestly just a boring annoying girl. THEN today i just get a text message from her saying, simply, Natalie youre going to hate me, today lauren and I signed a lease on an apartment. 

what, the, fuck. i mean.... no fucking phone calls nothing what so ever. i know she could have been hesitant since ive talked so much about transfering next year and that i dont need a place for the summer like she does BUT HOW DO YOU NOT EVEN CALL TO TELL ME WHAT WAS GOING ON. i really need to stop expecting shit from people. everyone in my life is constantly fucking letting me down im so fucking sick of it.

my best friend. HEHEH no but how adorbs

i put in my eisley cd i made when i was 15 in my car the other day. i forgot how much i loved them. the original version of telescope eyes is basically the anthem of my mid adolescent years, along with every track on brand new, your favorite weapon of course. never get old. oh the memories.

i want to go back to colorado and never leave. 

except maybe, to go to Europe.... or South America.

I haven't been able to write anything down in a while. I have been transitioning between a bunch of levels of happiness and just states of mind and i dont really know how to explain it. But overall, I , right now, am definitely happier than 2 weeks ago and the trip to Colorado is mostly to thank for it. It was in one word refreshing. The people, the air, the solitude of Gunnison and the absesnce of traffic and mainstream American society. It was serenity. I am considering living there in the summer with Stephanie I cant even imagine it, gah that, for three months, in the sunshine, would probably be like utopia.

I am going to buy my Andrew Bird tickets in a minute. I cant wait. Also Bonarroo with Dallas crew is looking like a very possible prospect? um? fucking sweet.

3 tests on thursday before I go home on Friday. not sweet. But Im going to be good and start studying today so I dont have to pull and all nighter and want to die on thursday night :)