Welp. i am a little disappointed. i've been making a lot of positive changes in my life. things that should be improving my overall morale, i should think. i have quit smoking weed and cigarettes, don't really drink except on the weekends, i have been going to the gym alot, eating... a little better, becoming more involved with school (although tonight after my interview for student foundation i received my notice email that i had not been selected as a new member...i was fucking... upset)... yeah anyway not feeling much happier. I think i am just to fixed on having people around me all the time and this semester, most of my friends are either just more busy than me or just have tons more schoolwork than i do (or actually do theirs). Why have i always had this need to be with people? I've been this way since i have been about 5. I wish i were satisfied with studying and reading books and simply quiet alone time. it keeps making me miss living in dorms when everyone was close and around and constantly knocking on my door. i want out of my apartment. I miss my mom and dad and brother and home friends tons as well. Oh well, Colorado in two weeks then I am already going home the next week after that (or at least i think so...Chicago is looking more and more likely, I know i am a horrible person not to want to go and see that side of my family when my grandfather is basically on his death bed but it's only going to be hard on us and I think i am just scared to see how seeing him affects my mother, who has always been this crazy solid and... enduring figure in my life... )