i actually think.... that the small creeping bothering snagging thing ... thats been here... for so long... i think i know what it is and, i think i am unhappy. what i cant decide on, is if i know that thing thats missing , or not. or if its all these things combined. i cant decide. things need to change.

RANT

I am in an environment + technology course this semester under the engineering school and its.... basically the most bluntly terrifying  thing to sit through twice a week. Its terrifying because my professor, who really is adorable and i love her she looks like Kate Spade my idol, its just listing off how every aspect of the lives that we Americans are just so accustomed to living is fucking murdering the planet. We think we're so ahead of the game and so high tech and on the cutting edge its disgussssssting how much stuff is just thrown away...and how much of that leaks into the ground...and what that does to US in turn.... but thats just one aspect. We had to read these 4 visions of the future and it was just depressing to me because its discouraging me from ever becoming a mother, the one thing in life I've always been so excite to become. It almost is beginning to seem stupid to continue bringing life into a planet thats basically doomed. As much as Id like to be optimistic about it, it would simply take some ridiculous miracle or the sudden existance of some actual God to perform some astronomical magic on this planet for things to really start working the way they need to.

Its about back to basic lifestyle. A regression to relying on simple, non material elements of life and finding happyness in that simplicity....something I think our world has gotten to far ahead of to ever return back to.

BUT ESSENTIALLY, IF EVERYONE WOULD RECYCLE EVERYTHING AND STOP EATING MEAT,  MAYBE I COULD FEEL LESS GUILTY WANTING TO HAVE BABIES

I woke up this morning, amidst one of the seemingly longest and most drawn out dreams I've had in a while. It was so fresh in my mind at the time, and I knew I wanted to write about it but I had to get ready and go to class. Therefore most of the details...and actually most of the basic plot memory has been lost over the past 4 hours but I'm going to try to trace and remember as much as I can. 

SO.....no rememberance of the start. But, ok....I remember going to something...a party? in a very strange area, with a friend of mine from home, not a very close friend but someone I have had romantic thoughts about just minimally, and something very wrong happened at the party. I started getting phone calls from my friend Loren, from Dallas, and i think i had to drive my friends car to go pick her up? I remember then being at a house of someone's i didn't know. Maybe the greif I woke up feeling was because I was worried that I was driving and had been drinking? Suddenly he, my friend, was in the car driving us now and we were like in a scene from some lame car racing movie, doing donuts and spinning out on snowy pavement in the pursuit of something..? AH i wish i remembered more to it..... its strange because in some class possibly in high school i remember someone or the teacher telling us that all dreams actually only occur over the lapse of mere seconds. I caaaaant wrap my mind around how that could actually be possible.

That was so uninteresting, yet...the dream itself was actually thrilling. Anyway, schools going pretty well, I went in completely terrified of a few of my classes I'm taking but now I am feeling rather optimistic about them. Not too difficult, mostly very interesting and stimulating. I cannot wait to go abroad somewhere beautiful.

when a southern anthem rings

I've watched alot of movies this week. I watched Humboldt County yesterday afternoon when I was done with classes it was really good. I want to live in Northern California. In a beautiful forresty-w/-beach area that everyone around me smokes weed like its chewing gum. 

Last night I went to a party and actually had a lot of fun? Approached by 2 different boys I have had my eye on? That was cool....until i smoked weed. I can't believe I did it, its been over a month and a half and I crumble? I also tripped like on acid it was a horrible experience. (i thought i learned not to smoke after drinking a long time ago?)

Right now Im just waiting around to drive out to Rowlett for Denise's 40th birthday party lols too bad Sabrina stopped drinking otherwise tonight would probably be way more fun than it should be.....o wait Framaliz is gonna be there haaaaaaaaaaahaha

I can't get enough of "Noble Beast" Andrew Bird is my favorite musician and with good reason as this album proves. I love himmmm I still can't believe i spent 30 dollars on the extended version of the cd, damn you good records guy who always pressures me to spend more than i can actually afford!!!

the reader

I am so thankful I made the decision to see the Reader tonight because it was...simply one of the most incredible films...I've ever seen. On every level. I can't stop thinking about it. Everything about it. And the actors performances? I was just amazed. Kate Winslet really is incredible. And David Kross... I wouldn't be able to help myself from having an affiar with him either...wooooow.

Definitely the best film of 2008 but easily one of the best films that I've ever seen. Ill stop gushing...

will sheff, how can you see into my life?

Hot breath, rough skin

warm laughs and smiling,
the lovliest words, whispered and meant
you (i) like all these things.

But, though you like all these things
you love a stone.
You love a stone,
because it's smooth and it's cold.
And you'd love most to be told
that it's all your own.

You love white veins,
you love hard grey,
the heaviest weight,
the clumsiest shape,
the earthiest smell,
the hollowest tone
you love a stone.

You love a stone,
because it's dark and it's old,
and if it could start being alive
you'd stop living alone.
And I think I believe that,
if stones could dream,
they'd dream of being laid 
side-by-side, piece-by-piece,
and turned into a castle
for some towering queen
they're unable to know.

And when that queen's daughter came of age,
I think she'd be lovely and stubborn and brave,
and suitors would journey from kingdoms away 
just to make themselves known....

[so basically, it scares me how well these words embody my relationship with kevin, especially as of late. i, love.. (eh essentially), a hollow, consciously existing stone.]

weiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiird

liberation

i wrote him. 

its pretty bizarre to actually put this behind me.

finally,

???

on another note: getting a much needed hair cut tomorrow :[

I don't want to go back to Texas.

What am I doing with my life?

I feel cheated that I have no clue.

Like I am entitled to something so...

that should be so...natural. Yet...I just

do not know

I wish youd grow up
And take the lines from your face
Age so sweet and replace
It’s the sound that I want
It’s the low, belting cough
It’s the size of my heart
It’s a house can we start

I just saw revolutionary road. I would probably go so far as to say that movie was life changing. In the way that it really makes me think hard about the kind of person I am and who i will/want to marry.  And how much that shapes your life.

I can't stop thinking about my future. Its terrifying. I think if i weren't so set on the stupid ideal thought of "love" I'd be more easily able to wrap myself around school and productivity which is nowhere near it should be. Its not hard to be this way though when you feel like the only person you know who hasn't been able to really (fully) experience it yet.

I don't know if i want to/should be going back to texas next week. I have probably 12 hours to decide though before the choice goes away.

Hey: Rest of the world!

I am really really in love with Merriweather Post Pavillion too! its just great.

intervention

he is getting home tomorrow. he has school monday. he won't call. i know its selfish to want from him what i do, him being in his mental state that he is but i cannot help myself, sleeping alone just isn't easy to settle for anymore. fuck...and it had been so long. it felt so right, and natural, and comfortable. but in retrospect i'm realizing it was probably last thing i should have done.

:]

I am like a giddy little child. I bought this today for a ridiculous amount of money but it smells so fucking amazing and that sadly makes me...ridiculously happy.

"you might have thought there was nothing new to say about spending your twenties in New Jersey overeducated and underwhelmed"

So its a New Year. Its crazy how January 1st 2008 felt like it was a week before January 1st 2009. I spent it with basically the same people, after a failed attempt to branch otherwise. I was not nearly intoxicated enough, and momentarily thought it was my 2450th miserable consecutive turn out of NYE. But the night wasn't lost after the ball dropped.

I went to stay with Kevin, the person i had tried to hard to avoid the whole evening. Figures. There is something about laying there with him and feeling his heart pound with my ear to his chest and our conversations and subtle affection for one another that I just cannot keep myself away from him.

I just don't know what will ever come of it.

Resolutions: keep cigarettes out of my life.

get myself out of the position i'm at with my education.

-still thinking about this one.