i realized it had become an issue when..

so dylan kissed me on valentines day.. yes it was very drunken and undoubtably meant nothing more to him than it did me, but reguardless, it was someone ive had attraction towards for over a year.... and when i woke up in the morning and realized, that i still had managed to be texting kevin by the end of the night (430 am zehh) ..... this has become something huger than i thought and something i need to get control of before anything in my life can look up. that is that. it must be done on my own, and without the hopes that some other boy coming along and fixing it by sweeping me off my feet. i have to let go once and for all.

but, i am feeling less depressed than i had the past few weeks, cool? i guess. ive picked up smoking again. what the hell.

omgomgomgomg

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/article/news/149153-iron-wine-announce-rarities-comp-all-request-tour

rarities blah blah blah show in nyc the weekend after i get home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

apparently all request instead of all shepherd dog, oOoOo WhAt wiLL i ChOoOoOosssse!!!!!

i really cant belive how unprepared i am for my advertising exam in the morning and how not anxiety stricken panic attack status i am right now. there is something wrong. normally i would be having heart palpitations if i had such an honest grasp of this prospect. i might actually go to sleep tonight? fuck valentines i'm depressed.

someone take me on a date on valentines.

it could potentially involve a little something like those.....  :]

all nighters in the library are so not fun. they make me want to die. why do they still happen??? 

GET CONTROL OF YOURSELF WOMAN

no but really procrastination is, IS, going to be the death of me.

Welp. i am a little disappointed. i've been making a lot of positive changes in my life. things that should be improving my overall morale, i should think. i have quit smoking weed and cigarettes, don't really drink except on the weekends, i have been going to the gym alot, eating... a little better, becoming more involved with school (although tonight after my interview for student foundation i received my notice email that i had not been selected as a new member...i was fucking... upset)... yeah anyway not feeling much happier. I think i am just to fixed on having people around me all the time and this semester, most of my friends are either just more busy than me or just have tons more schoolwork than i do (or actually do theirs). Why have i always had this need to be with people? I've been this way since i have been about 5. I wish i were satisfied with studying and reading books and simply quiet alone time. it keeps making me miss living in dorms when everyone was close and around and constantly knocking on my door. i want out of my apartment. I miss my mom and dad and brother and home friends tons as well. Oh well, Colorado in two weeks then I am already going home the next week after that (or at least i think so...Chicago is looking more and more likely, I know i am a horrible person not to want to go and see that side of my family when my grandfather is basically on his death bed but it's only going to be hard on us and I think i am just scared to see how seeing him affects my mother, who has always been this crazy solid and... enduring figure in my life... )

And the fallen house across the way it'll keep everything:
The baby's breath, our bravery wasted and our shame
And we'll undress beside the ashes of the fire 
Both our tender bellies wound in baling wire 
All the more, a pair of underwater pearls 
Than the oak tree and its resurrection fern
In our days we will say what our ghosts will say:
We gave the world what it saw fit 
And what'd we get?
Like stubborn boys with big green eyes we'll see everything:
In the timid shade of the autumn leaves and the buzzard's wing.

------------------------------

my grandfather is dying. soon. we thought it was going to be between 6 months and a year but apparently my Oma just had a meeting with the funeral director yesterday. my mom called me when i was frying myself some eggs for dinner yesterday but then  i couldn't eat. so, who knows if i'll even be able to use my ticket to colorado for the end of february to see stephanie. i might be in chicago instead, at a cold, snowy funeral. its not right. or wait, he was in the military so maybe it will be in washington. that would be more suiting for him. its so wrong and putting knots in my stomach that i can't be with my mom through this. shes so far away.