my dress is perrrrfect :]

seasons greeting

my family. heh. we are happy. we had a lovely, sloshy christmas. new years tomorrow, im picking up my dress from the tailor in the afternoon and if it is messed up and doesn't fit ill probably go into a murderous rampage. i love that dress.

ps. did get my hands on the animal collective album, loving it. really damn good.

shit! shit shit shit! if i had access to the computer 10 hours ago i could have downloaded merriweather post pavillion but i was too late. i can't find it anywhere now. i have to wait another week or so. a friend of mine was texting me about it this morning before he got his wisdom teeth pulled out that it sounds strikingly like Pet Sounds, my favorite Beach Boys album. i have only heard the songs live at all points west festival in the summer and online i cannot wait to buy it and hear it on vinyl :]  oooo so excited.

on another note, christmas was really lovely. my mother made a vow to me on our 2 and 1/2 hour drive home this morning that shes taking a little break from alcohol. hahahah. me her and my uncle (dads younger brother, gay, probably my favorite out of the 5 of them next to my dad)were telling me all about their drug experiences and apparently my parents wedding night was a huge ecstacy orgy. pft.... I THOUGHT WE WERE NORMAL NORTHEASTERN PEOPLE i kind of love it though.

i got some good stuff i cant wait to wear my dress for new years!  i WILL make this new years a positive one if it kills me. i have had too many consecutive horrible experiences on new years i'm due for a fucking good time to bring in my new year. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CAN I HAVE A REAL, NEW YEARS KISS...ON TIME.... FOR ONCE i really don't think its a huge favor to ask.

sweet babies cry for the cool taste of milking

It is Christmas Eve, it is 8:21 am and I have to be at work in less than an hour. I am contemplating not moving from my bed at all. It may be less than 20 degrees outside. I don't have too much too say except that I would whole heartedly give up all drunken celebrations, pumps and inevitably torn stockings, and passionate celebratory midnight kisses if there were any way i could have this experience for New Years this year.

That is all.

Merry Christmas.

take me out tonight.

I am really enjoying being at home. Enjoying the excessive amount of free time to be as lazy as I please. I feel spoiled with...boredom. Watching lots of movies, seeing lots of friends, even doing a little reading :] Lauren, can you see whats on my tea cup? I'll give you a hint: that came from DC. I am excited for Christmas and getting to be with all of my family again and seeing my precious baby cousins (who are all 6-14 but I still refer to them as babies...because...they ARE and always will be and will never grow up. don't argue.) This weather is actually nice too, its bloody freezing. I like freezing weather up to a point. So next week is Christmas, then NYE, then Boston and Vermont! I also have to make it to the MoMA soon before the Van Gogh exhibit closes. I miss New York and having it so disposable to me and where I am.

I .... really want to see the new Will Smith/Rosario Dawson movie. I love her. heh.

"for every life..." "...forgoe the parable."

I did mention that I saw Bon Iver this week, but now that I am thinking about it, currently listening to the album for the seven thousandth time, really reflecting on the experience the more i am realizing how distinct and exceptional the show truly was. I don't know if it comes from knowing the origin of the majority of the album, respecting his solitude and how it contributed to the music and being there to hear it from feet away...I stood there rendered really...amazed. I just have, a shitload of respect for that man, and his music is beautiful and awes me.

He played some new songs, like i think Babies? Beach Baby? I did like one of the several quite a bit. But what was most special to me was probably reguarding: stacks, there is something about that song that pulls my heartstrings for some reason it was an experience hearing it live; one of those shakes you to your bones type things. Then, AH, the last song of the encore, For emma. I found myself standing there singing out loud and looked around the crowded theatre at the face of every other 20 something year old, caught like me, in the same moment. It was really one of the most intimate shows Ive probably ever been to.

"So many territories

ready to reform

don't let it form us

don't let it form us

the creature fear"

i need the smell of summer 

i need its noises in my ears.

breaking ground

i am really stuck in a state of shock right now. i really didnt think that this discussion would actually, tangibly...ever...happen. i don't really know whether to be happy....which i naturally am....or not.

its 3:53 kevin left my house 30 minutes ago and now i Cant sleep. and i have to get up at 7 which is realllly convenient but anyway...

i never thought he would have the actual realization that he did. i'm not going to go in depth because noone could understand the stuff that has happened between him and i and the ridiculous stupid pain i go through because of his complex mind. its nights like tonight why i know i can't ever look at anyone else, especially the way i do him.

but there is hope.

there is hope...

ps, bon iver was awesome

bathhouse

they say a watched pot won't ever boil.

well, I closed my eyes and nothing changed.

just some water getting hotter in the flames.

skin is, my

Ive never felt so dead. 28 hours straight awake, only capable with use of prescription drugs and insane levels of caffeine intake, now I'm sitting here, its 2:11, I need to leave for the airport around 4. I haven't packed, eaten, done anything in preparation for leaving. My eyes....feel like they have two 700 lb eyelids and I just want to go to sleep for ever. 

All nighters are the worst idea. but... I think I did pretty good on the test. 

Justin is picking me up. I can't wait to be in that city again. :)

bordering insanity

for exaple if consumer pessimism reduces aggregate demand, the proper amount of expansionary monetary or fiscal policy could stimulate aggregate demand to its original level. thereby avoiding a recession. alternatively, i couldnt give a fuck because economics is eating at my brain like a fucking parasite and its 5 am and I'm going to walk into my exam at 8 without a second of sleep still all fucking adderalled out and redeyed and lifeless so i can fucking circle 25 stupid little letters get my passing grade and live an ignorant life free of any economic concern for the rest of my life. i swear to fucking god.

anyway, at least i will be able to sleep through a fucking plane ride for the first time in my fucking life.

but. first thing i do at 9:30 when i get walk out of that insane asylum of a "classroom" is smoking a fucking blunt. 

until then.

"There's something deeply wrong with me if I'm so attracted to someone who can't have a relationship. Someone who can't love me, who can't even love himself.  I've learned at this point there's no shot I can recieve, no pill I can take, no therapy I can be a part of that will give me the resolve to do things I need to be loved. It's a choice. A simple choice. I say I want intimacy. I say I want to be loved. But really, I'm petrified. The straight truth is, I don't know if I have it in me, and I'm scared to find out that I can't."

don't stop til ya get eM in dey birfday suitz

happy birthday, my meechelle. 

Finals are sucking the life out of me. I finally got to sleep a little last night. Now, I have to go babysit and then drill economics and geology into my brain. But, I am going to be in New York City Saturday so at least I have that and being home ahead of me. Going to see Bon Iver Monday, that's pretty exciting. I still wish I weren't going with the person I'm going with. And if he pulls what he did last year I swear to God.....

I really have nothing interesting going on or on my mind so I will continue updating on the pointless occurances that happen in my everyday life.

LAUREN i cant wait to see you. (ahem hgb dance party)

ps. i Hate what the uploading process does to my images :(

fuckfuuuckfucjkfcuk

its 4:30 in the morning and im still fucking awake. sleeeeeep. i want it. probably wont be sleeping til after work tomorr...er..today... after which i will only ACTUALLY have time to study more for the REST of my exams. i honestly hope who ever decided it was acceptable to schedule finals all in the same 5 day bracket of time died a slow painful death.

& my hands hurt from writing.

so excited for home....

in love

all i want for christmas is one of these precious babies. who turn out like thiiiiiis.

But in reality, I will just wait impatiently a few more years till I am actually ready to maintain such a dog. Oh my good so beautiful and sweet and cute and fluffy.... i need it.

we are standing on the precipice...

http://www.theoneswelove.org/photographers.html

cant leave it alone. 

sidenote: my whole body hurts and my brain is throbbing i worked out so hard today. fucck. this decision to drink beer isn't agreeing with my body quite the way id like it to.

omgz, home in a week and two days, surreal. i'm very interested to see how those 5 weeks will play out.

theologians

+London for spring break.

+Copenhagen spring semester junior year.

+a month and a half of sleeping my life away til i decide its absolutely crucial to move from my bed.

these prospects are what are getting me by. 

Lately Ive been thinking so much about the fact that I dont want to finish college. I want to explore every continent on this planet. I want go speak every language in every country i cross through. I want to bring the minimum with me from my life i know. I want to learn to navigate the mountains of South America and the open fields of Africa and the flatlands of Asia and swim in the crystal shores of New Zealand and Australia. I want to jump off cliffs and soar down waterfalls of insane heights. I want to experience all the lands enriched with ancient beautiful art.  I want to literally drop everything. Everything here and now so that noone knows what's happened, except enough that Im okay. I want to do this with one person, one person who needs it like me, worse than me. So they can stop being numb. Awake their soul. I want to wake their soul. I want to see him unattached. Finally open. 

Determination.

currently playing: Wilco- Shes a Jar