Clemenceau by Pinback is one of the saddest songs. I feel amazing when i hear it.

So, two years you tell me the same thing over and over and act the same way...now look at this. I just dont see how hard it was for you to tell the truth in the first place, and maybe save me some time, not to mention a fucking ton of tears. I guess Im just a good person. I dont enjoy shitting all over other people and their emotions. I really hope you experience a fraction of the pain that I have. Yea, I know Im bitter. 

most seemingly idiotic statement ive ever made

I sincerely just wish i had a never ending expense account to be spent on clothing and shoes alone. I am in love with fabrics and designs and innovations in them, I love new colors and finding and making new schemes. Clothing is somehting that obviously plays a big part in self expression, its the most obvious and immediate way to express yourself to the public and me being poor all the time seriously hinders any chance i have of this. I look like shit every day and i feel bad about it. Im just being a whiney bitch because im going to be working my ass off all summer and keeping like... zero of the return. boo. hoo.

new st. vincent however is awesome. as well as the new camera obscura. which reminds me... i need money for summer festivals too. BAH.

I need to vent about something right now. My best friend around here, besides sabrina always, is rachel. Shes the only person i've found at college who i have made a true bond with, we love eachother and have a blast whenever we get together. She is just one of those firends where...we are on the same wavelength. I dont really meet alot of people who have the same humor, and interests, and tastes as i do especially not all at one which is just why i value her and Is friendship so much. She doesnt at all which is apparent when i decide not resist making efforts to see her and see that that comes to no contact in almost a month. ANYWAY the point is that she and I have been talking about living together at school next year, which would help our seeing-eachother issues since all her time is spent at rehearsals, work, school, and with Joel.... last week we were sending eachother links of apartments and whatnot, finding cool places close by that werent too expensive. I know shed rather live with me than her current roomate who is honestly just a boring annoying girl. THEN today i just get a text message from her saying, simply, Natalie youre going to hate me, today lauren and I signed a lease on an apartment. 

what, the, fuck. i mean.... no fucking phone calls nothing what so ever. i know she could have been hesitant since ive talked so much about transfering next year and that i dont need a place for the summer like she does BUT HOW DO YOU NOT EVEN CALL TO TELL ME WHAT WAS GOING ON. i really need to stop expecting shit from people. everyone in my life is constantly fucking letting me down im so fucking sick of it.

my best friend. HEHEH no but how adorbs

i put in my eisley cd i made when i was 15 in my car the other day. i forgot how much i loved them. the original version of telescope eyes is basically the anthem of my mid adolescent years, along with every track on brand new, your favorite weapon of course. never get old. oh the memories.

i want to go back to colorado and never leave. 

except maybe, to go to Europe.... or South America.

I haven't been able to write anything down in a while. I have been transitioning between a bunch of levels of happiness and just states of mind and i dont really know how to explain it. But overall, I , right now, am definitely happier than 2 weeks ago and the trip to Colorado is mostly to thank for it. It was in one word refreshing. The people, the air, the solitude of Gunnison and the absesnce of traffic and mainstream American society. It was serenity. I am considering living there in the summer with Stephanie I cant even imagine it, gah that, for three months, in the sunshine, would probably be like utopia.

I am going to buy my Andrew Bird tickets in a minute. I cant wait. Also Bonarroo with Dallas crew is looking like a very possible prospect? um? fucking sweet.

3 tests on thursday before I go home on Friday. not sweet. But Im going to be good and start studying today so I dont have to pull and all nighter and want to die on thursday night :) 

do you appreciate the subtleties of tastebuds?

well this has been a week, but i ammmm going to colorado in the morning :) 

i am becoming slowly more and more of an insomniac, its worrying me.

i am getting into on the road and i love love love it. i havent really taken interest in a novel in way too long it feels good to again. i really cant believe how excited i am to get to colorado, i guess it is as much getting out of Dallas as it is getting to see Steph. something has just been unsettling about being here every since this semester started. I don't know exactly what it is. I have been making myself the most delicious and healthy foods lately. Last night i made a cobb salad with fresh avacodo, diced tomatoes, red onion, grilled chicken, and colby jack shredded cheese with this amazing new italian dressing i bought by newmans own. bahahah i love being such a momsdale. Im going to go running again tonight it feels so much better to know i am living right. no more smoking. Good grades. I suppose i'm pretty happy with my life at this moment, but im still searching for how to become more complete. 

Au revoir 

xx

i realized it had become an issue when..

so dylan kissed me on valentines day.. yes it was very drunken and undoubtably meant nothing more to him than it did me, but reguardless, it was someone ive had attraction towards for over a year.... and when i woke up in the morning and realized, that i still had managed to be texting kevin by the end of the night (430 am zehh) ..... this has become something huger than i thought and something i need to get control of before anything in my life can look up. that is that. it must be done on my own, and without the hopes that some other boy coming along and fixing it by sweeping me off my feet. i have to let go once and for all.

but, i am feeling less depressed than i had the past few weeks, cool? i guess. ive picked up smoking again. what the hell.

omgomgomgomg

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/article/news/149153-iron-wine-announce-rarities-comp-all-request-tour

rarities blah blah blah show in nyc the weekend after i get home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

apparently all request instead of all shepherd dog, oOoOo WhAt wiLL i ChOoOoOosssse!!!!!

i really cant belive how unprepared i am for my advertising exam in the morning and how not anxiety stricken panic attack status i am right now. there is something wrong. normally i would be having heart palpitations if i had such an honest grasp of this prospect. i might actually go to sleep tonight? fuck valentines i'm depressed.

someone take me on a date on valentines.

it could potentially involve a little something like those.....  :]

all nighters in the library are so not fun. they make me want to die. why do they still happen??? 

GET CONTROL OF YOURSELF WOMAN

no but really procrastination is, IS, going to be the death of me.

Welp. i am a little disappointed. i've been making a lot of positive changes in my life. things that should be improving my overall morale, i should think. i have quit smoking weed and cigarettes, don't really drink except on the weekends, i have been going to the gym alot, eating... a little better, becoming more involved with school (although tonight after my interview for student foundation i received my notice email that i had not been selected as a new member...i was fucking... upset)... yeah anyway not feeling much happier. I think i am just to fixed on having people around me all the time and this semester, most of my friends are either just more busy than me or just have tons more schoolwork than i do (or actually do theirs). Why have i always had this need to be with people? I've been this way since i have been about 5. I wish i were satisfied with studying and reading books and simply quiet alone time. it keeps making me miss living in dorms when everyone was close and around and constantly knocking on my door. i want out of my apartment. I miss my mom and dad and brother and home friends tons as well. Oh well, Colorado in two weeks then I am already going home the next week after that (or at least i think so...Chicago is looking more and more likely, I know i am a horrible person not to want to go and see that side of my family when my grandfather is basically on his death bed but it's only going to be hard on us and I think i am just scared to see how seeing him affects my mother, who has always been this crazy solid and... enduring figure in my life... )

And the fallen house across the way it'll keep everything:
The baby's breath, our bravery wasted and our shame
And we'll undress beside the ashes of the fire 
Both our tender bellies wound in baling wire 
All the more, a pair of underwater pearls 
Than the oak tree and its resurrection fern
In our days we will say what our ghosts will say:
We gave the world what it saw fit 
And what'd we get?
Like stubborn boys with big green eyes we'll see everything:
In the timid shade of the autumn leaves and the buzzard's wing.

------------------------------

my grandfather is dying. soon. we thought it was going to be between 6 months and a year but apparently my Oma just had a meeting with the funeral director yesterday. my mom called me when i was frying myself some eggs for dinner yesterday but then  i couldn't eat. so, who knows if i'll even be able to use my ticket to colorado for the end of february to see stephanie. i might be in chicago instead, at a cold, snowy funeral. its not right. or wait, he was in the military so maybe it will be in washington. that would be more suiting for him. its so wrong and putting knots in my stomach that i can't be with my mom through this. shes so far away.

i actually think.... that the small creeping bothering snagging thing ... thats been here... for so long... i think i know what it is and, i think i am unhappy. what i cant decide on, is if i know that thing thats missing , or not. or if its all these things combined. i cant decide. things need to change.

RANT

I am in an environment + technology course this semester under the engineering school and its.... basically the most bluntly terrifying  thing to sit through twice a week. Its terrifying because my professor, who really is adorable and i love her she looks like Kate Spade my idol, its just listing off how every aspect of the lives that we Americans are just so accustomed to living is fucking murdering the planet. We think we're so ahead of the game and so high tech and on the cutting edge its disgussssssting how much stuff is just thrown away...and how much of that leaks into the ground...and what that does to US in turn.... but thats just one aspect. We had to read these 4 visions of the future and it was just depressing to me because its discouraging me from ever becoming a mother, the one thing in life I've always been so excite to become. It almost is beginning to seem stupid to continue bringing life into a planet thats basically doomed. As much as Id like to be optimistic about it, it would simply take some ridiculous miracle or the sudden existance of some actual God to perform some astronomical magic on this planet for things to really start working the way they need to.

Its about back to basic lifestyle. A regression to relying on simple, non material elements of life and finding happyness in that simplicity....something I think our world has gotten to far ahead of to ever return back to.

BUT ESSENTIALLY, IF EVERYONE WOULD RECYCLE EVERYTHING AND STOP EATING MEAT,  MAYBE I COULD FEEL LESS GUILTY WANTING TO HAVE BABIES

I woke up this morning, amidst one of the seemingly longest and most drawn out dreams I've had in a while. It was so fresh in my mind at the time, and I knew I wanted to write about it but I had to get ready and go to class. Therefore most of the details...and actually most of the basic plot memory has been lost over the past 4 hours but I'm going to try to trace and remember as much as I can. 

SO.....no rememberance of the start. But, ok....I remember going to something...a party? in a very strange area, with a friend of mine from home, not a very close friend but someone I have had romantic thoughts about just minimally, and something very wrong happened at the party. I started getting phone calls from my friend Loren, from Dallas, and i think i had to drive my friends car to go pick her up? I remember then being at a house of someone's i didn't know. Maybe the greif I woke up feeling was because I was worried that I was driving and had been drinking? Suddenly he, my friend, was in the car driving us now and we were like in a scene from some lame car racing movie, doing donuts and spinning out on snowy pavement in the pursuit of something..? AH i wish i remembered more to it..... its strange because in some class possibly in high school i remember someone or the teacher telling us that all dreams actually only occur over the lapse of mere seconds. I caaaaant wrap my mind around how that could actually be possible.

That was so uninteresting, yet...the dream itself was actually thrilling. Anyway, schools going pretty well, I went in completely terrified of a few of my classes I'm taking but now I am feeling rather optimistic about them. Not too difficult, mostly very interesting and stimulating. I cannot wait to go abroad somewhere beautiful.

when a southern anthem rings

I've watched alot of movies this week. I watched Humboldt County yesterday afternoon when I was done with classes it was really good. I want to live in Northern California. In a beautiful forresty-w/-beach area that everyone around me smokes weed like its chewing gum. 

Last night I went to a party and actually had a lot of fun? Approached by 2 different boys I have had my eye on? That was cool....until i smoked weed. I can't believe I did it, its been over a month and a half and I crumble? I also tripped like on acid it was a horrible experience. (i thought i learned not to smoke after drinking a long time ago?)

Right now Im just waiting around to drive out to Rowlett for Denise's 40th birthday party lols too bad Sabrina stopped drinking otherwise tonight would probably be way more fun than it should be.....o wait Framaliz is gonna be there haaaaaaaaaaahaha

I can't get enough of "Noble Beast" Andrew Bird is my favorite musician and with good reason as this album proves. I love himmmm I still can't believe i spent 30 dollars on the extended version of the cd, damn you good records guy who always pressures me to spend more than i can actually afford!!!

the reader

I am so thankful I made the decision to see the Reader tonight because it was...simply one of the most incredible films...I've ever seen. On every level. I can't stop thinking about it. Everything about it. And the actors performances? I was just amazed. Kate Winslet really is incredible. And David Kross... I wouldn't be able to help myself from having an affiar with him either...wooooow.

Definitely the best film of 2008 but easily one of the best films that I've ever seen. Ill stop gushing...

will sheff, how can you see into my life?

Hot breath, rough skin

warm laughs and smiling,
the lovliest words, whispered and meant
you (i) like all these things.

But, though you like all these things
you love a stone.
You love a stone,
because it's smooth and it's cold.
And you'd love most to be told
that it's all your own.

You love white veins,
you love hard grey,
the heaviest weight,
the clumsiest shape,
the earthiest smell,
the hollowest tone
you love a stone.

You love a stone,
because it's dark and it's old,
and if it could start being alive
you'd stop living alone.
And I think I believe that,
if stones could dream,
they'd dream of being laid 
side-by-side, piece-by-piece,
and turned into a castle
for some towering queen
they're unable to know.

And when that queen's daughter came of age,
I think she'd be lovely and stubborn and brave,
and suitors would journey from kingdoms away 
just to make themselves known....

[so basically, it scares me how well these words embody my relationship with kevin, especially as of late. i, love.. (eh essentially), a hollow, consciously existing stone.]

weiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiird

liberation

i wrote him. 

its pretty bizarre to actually put this behind me.

finally,

???

on another note: getting a much needed hair cut tomorrow :[

I don't want to go back to Texas.

What am I doing with my life?

I feel cheated that I have no clue.

Like I am entitled to something so...

that should be so...natural. Yet...I just

do not know

I wish youd grow up
And take the lines from your face
Age so sweet and replace
It’s the sound that I want
It’s the low, belting cough
It’s the size of my heart
It’s a house can we start

I just saw revolutionary road. I would probably go so far as to say that movie was life changing. In the way that it really makes me think hard about the kind of person I am and who i will/want to marry.  And how much that shapes your life.

I can't stop thinking about my future. Its terrifying. I think if i weren't so set on the stupid ideal thought of "love" I'd be more easily able to wrap myself around school and productivity which is nowhere near it should be. Its not hard to be this way though when you feel like the only person you know who hasn't been able to really (fully) experience it yet.

I don't know if i want to/should be going back to texas next week. I have probably 12 hours to decide though before the choice goes away.

Hey: Rest of the world!

I am really really in love with Merriweather Post Pavillion too! its just great.

intervention

he is getting home tomorrow. he has school monday. he won't call. i know its selfish to want from him what i do, him being in his mental state that he is but i cannot help myself, sleeping alone just isn't easy to settle for anymore. fuck...and it had been so long. it felt so right, and natural, and comfortable. but in retrospect i'm realizing it was probably last thing i should have done.

:]

I am like a giddy little child. I bought this today for a ridiculous amount of money but it smells so fucking amazing and that sadly makes me...ridiculously happy.

"you might have thought there was nothing new to say about spending your twenties in New Jersey overeducated and underwhelmed"

So its a New Year. Its crazy how January 1st 2008 felt like it was a week before January 1st 2009. I spent it with basically the same people, after a failed attempt to branch otherwise. I was not nearly intoxicated enough, and momentarily thought it was my 2450th miserable consecutive turn out of NYE. But the night wasn't lost after the ball dropped.

I went to stay with Kevin, the person i had tried to hard to avoid the whole evening. Figures. There is something about laying there with him and feeling his heart pound with my ear to his chest and our conversations and subtle affection for one another that I just cannot keep myself away from him.

I just don't know what will ever come of it.

Resolutions: keep cigarettes out of my life.

get myself out of the position i'm at with my education.

-still thinking about this one.