my dress is perrrrfect :]

seasons greeting

my family. heh. we are happy. we had a lovely, sloshy christmas. new years tomorrow, im picking up my dress from the tailor in the afternoon and if it is messed up and doesn't fit ill probably go into a murderous rampage. i love that dress.

ps. did get my hands on the animal collective album, loving it. really damn good.

shit! shit shit shit! if i had access to the computer 10 hours ago i could have downloaded merriweather post pavillion but i was too late. i can't find it anywhere now. i have to wait another week or so. a friend of mine was texting me about it this morning before he got his wisdom teeth pulled out that it sounds strikingly like Pet Sounds, my favorite Beach Boys album. i have only heard the songs live at all points west festival in the summer and online i cannot wait to buy it and hear it on vinyl :]  oooo so excited.

on another note, christmas was really lovely. my mother made a vow to me on our 2 and 1/2 hour drive home this morning that shes taking a little break from alcohol. hahahah. me her and my uncle (dads younger brother, gay, probably my favorite out of the 5 of them next to my dad)were telling me all about their drug experiences and apparently my parents wedding night was a huge ecstacy orgy. pft.... I THOUGHT WE WERE NORMAL NORTHEASTERN PEOPLE i kind of love it though.

i got some good stuff i cant wait to wear my dress for new years!  i WILL make this new years a positive one if it kills me. i have had too many consecutive horrible experiences on new years i'm due for a fucking good time to bring in my new year. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CAN I HAVE A REAL, NEW YEARS KISS...ON TIME.... FOR ONCE i really don't think its a huge favor to ask.

sweet babies cry for the cool taste of milking

It is Christmas Eve, it is 8:21 am and I have to be at work in less than an hour. I am contemplating not moving from my bed at all. It may be less than 20 degrees outside. I don't have too much too say except that I would whole heartedly give up all drunken celebrations, pumps and inevitably torn stockings, and passionate celebratory midnight kisses if there were any way i could have this experience for New Years this year.

That is all.

Merry Christmas.

take me out tonight.

I am really enjoying being at home. Enjoying the excessive amount of free time to be as lazy as I please. I feel spoiled with...boredom. Watching lots of movies, seeing lots of friends, even doing a little reading :] Lauren, can you see whats on my tea cup? I'll give you a hint: that came from DC. I am excited for Christmas and getting to be with all of my family again and seeing my precious baby cousins (who are all 6-14 but I still refer to them as babies...because...they ARE and always will be and will never grow up. don't argue.) This weather is actually nice too, its bloody freezing. I like freezing weather up to a point. So next week is Christmas, then NYE, then Boston and Vermont! I also have to make it to the MoMA soon before the Van Gogh exhibit closes. I miss New York and having it so disposable to me and where I am.

I .... really want to see the new Will Smith/Rosario Dawson movie. I love her. heh.

"for every life..." "...forgoe the parable."

I did mention that I saw Bon Iver this week, but now that I am thinking about it, currently listening to the album for the seven thousandth time, really reflecting on the experience the more i am realizing how distinct and exceptional the show truly was. I don't know if it comes from knowing the origin of the majority of the album, respecting his solitude and how it contributed to the music and being there to hear it from feet away...I stood there rendered really...amazed. I just have, a shitload of respect for that man, and his music is beautiful and awes me.

He played some new songs, like i think Babies? Beach Baby? I did like one of the several quite a bit. But what was most special to me was probably reguarding: stacks, there is something about that song that pulls my heartstrings for some reason it was an experience hearing it live; one of those shakes you to your bones type things. Then, AH, the last song of the encore, For emma. I found myself standing there singing out loud and looked around the crowded theatre at the face of every other 20 something year old, caught like me, in the same moment. It was really one of the most intimate shows Ive probably ever been to.

"So many territories

ready to reform

don't let it form us

don't let it form us

the creature fear"

i need the smell of summer 

i need its noises in my ears.

breaking ground

i am really stuck in a state of shock right now. i really didnt think that this discussion would actually, tangibly...ever...happen. i don't really know whether to be happy....which i naturally am....or not.

its 3:53 kevin left my house 30 minutes ago and now i Cant sleep. and i have to get up at 7 which is realllly convenient but anyway...

i never thought he would have the actual realization that he did. i'm not going to go in depth because noone could understand the stuff that has happened between him and i and the ridiculous stupid pain i go through because of his complex mind. its nights like tonight why i know i can't ever look at anyone else, especially the way i do him.

but there is hope.

there is hope...

ps, bon iver was awesome

bathhouse

they say a watched pot won't ever boil.

well, I closed my eyes and nothing changed.

just some water getting hotter in the flames.

skin is, my

Ive never felt so dead. 28 hours straight awake, only capable with use of prescription drugs and insane levels of caffeine intake, now I'm sitting here, its 2:11, I need to leave for the airport around 4. I haven't packed, eaten, done anything in preparation for leaving. My eyes....feel like they have two 700 lb eyelids and I just want to go to sleep for ever. 

All nighters are the worst idea. but... I think I did pretty good on the test. 

Justin is picking me up. I can't wait to be in that city again. :)

bordering insanity

for exaple if consumer pessimism reduces aggregate demand, the proper amount of expansionary monetary or fiscal policy could stimulate aggregate demand to its original level. thereby avoiding a recession. alternatively, i couldnt give a fuck because economics is eating at my brain like a fucking parasite and its 5 am and I'm going to walk into my exam at 8 without a second of sleep still all fucking adderalled out and redeyed and lifeless so i can fucking circle 25 stupid little letters get my passing grade and live an ignorant life free of any economic concern for the rest of my life. i swear to fucking god.

anyway, at least i will be able to sleep through a fucking plane ride for the first time in my fucking life.

but. first thing i do at 9:30 when i get walk out of that insane asylum of a "classroom" is smoking a fucking blunt. 

until then.

"There's something deeply wrong with me if I'm so attracted to someone who can't have a relationship. Someone who can't love me, who can't even love himself.  I've learned at this point there's no shot I can recieve, no pill I can take, no therapy I can be a part of that will give me the resolve to do things I need to be loved. It's a choice. A simple choice. I say I want intimacy. I say I want to be loved. But really, I'm petrified. The straight truth is, I don't know if I have it in me, and I'm scared to find out that I can't."

don't stop til ya get eM in dey birfday suitz

happy birthday, my meechelle. 

Finals are sucking the life out of me. I finally got to sleep a little last night. Now, I have to go babysit and then drill economics and geology into my brain. But, I am going to be in New York City Saturday so at least I have that and being home ahead of me. Going to see Bon Iver Monday, that's pretty exciting. I still wish I weren't going with the person I'm going with. And if he pulls what he did last year I swear to God.....

I really have nothing interesting going on or on my mind so I will continue updating on the pointless occurances that happen in my everyday life.

LAUREN i cant wait to see you. (ahem hgb dance party)

ps. i Hate what the uploading process does to my images :(

fuckfuuuckfucjkfcuk

its 4:30 in the morning and im still fucking awake. sleeeeeep. i want it. probably wont be sleeping til after work tomorr...er..today... after which i will only ACTUALLY have time to study more for the REST of my exams. i honestly hope who ever decided it was acceptable to schedule finals all in the same 5 day bracket of time died a slow painful death.

& my hands hurt from writing.

so excited for home....

in love

all i want for christmas is one of these precious babies. who turn out like thiiiiiis.

But in reality, I will just wait impatiently a few more years till I am actually ready to maintain such a dog. Oh my good so beautiful and sweet and cute and fluffy.... i need it.

we are standing on the precipice...

http://www.theoneswelove.org/photographers.html

cant leave it alone. 

sidenote: my whole body hurts and my brain is throbbing i worked out so hard today. fucck. this decision to drink beer isn't agreeing with my body quite the way id like it to.

omgz, home in a week and two days, surreal. i'm very interested to see how those 5 weeks will play out.

theologians

+London for spring break.

+Copenhagen spring semester junior year.

+a month and a half of sleeping my life away til i decide its absolutely crucial to move from my bed.

these prospects are what are getting me by. 

Lately Ive been thinking so much about the fact that I dont want to finish college. I want to explore every continent on this planet. I want go speak every language in every country i cross through. I want to bring the minimum with me from my life i know. I want to learn to navigate the mountains of South America and the open fields of Africa and the flatlands of Asia and swim in the crystal shores of New Zealand and Australia. I want to jump off cliffs and soar down waterfalls of insane heights. I want to experience all the lands enriched with ancient beautiful art.  I want to literally drop everything. Everything here and now so that noone knows what's happened, except enough that Im okay. I want to do this with one person, one person who needs it like me, worse than me. So they can stop being numb. Awake their soul. I want to wake their soul. I want to see him unattached. Finally open. 

Determination.

currently playing: Wilco- Shes a Jar

I found a fatal flaw in the logic of love

YOU LOVE A SINKIN STONE THAT WILL NEVER ELOPE SO GET USED TO THE LONESOME GIRL.

(picture: ca. '04) 

sooooo nostalgic

also, fuck christmas and poordom

get eaten by the wolves, and weird fishes

there were 2 more people sleeping in my bed than were welcome last night. now that i have my room again i cant sleep. thanksgiving weekend is winding down. i cant believe how fast the past 5 days have gone by. i have seen so many people and had so many laughs. now, just need to stay focused for one more week of class, and then a few finals (that i need to do....really well on.) 

so after framaliz and i saw milk last night at the angelika, sabrina scooped me and we went to clints where i saw alot of my dallas friends. steph was real fucked up, theres something about me that is really intolerable of peoples obnoxious drunken stages unless im right there with them. i feel kind of like a bitch but oh well. we left pretty fast and decided to just waste ourselves away at my apartment with a few other people. the night before, she actually let me (with no choice) drive her car home to rowlett from fort worth. thats one for the books.

they opened the new dunkin donuts by my campus today. marie is in las vegas i dont know whether to just go with out her? it just feels WRONG. hmm...yeah, doin it.

also, i want to make these .... like now!!!

listening to: Bangers and Mash-Radiohead

Milk

I just saw Milk.

Fucking epic.

Must be seen.

Go. Scurry. Do it.

This is the...most loneliest feeling? I am sitting in my room, its 7:00 pm on Tuesday November 25th. All of my friends from school are either in transit or already home for the holidays. But I'm still here, on the other side of the country from my whole family. My mom is in Chicago, with her parents, since my grandpa isn't in the best of health right now. My dad and Cooper are up getting ready to drive to New York to have Thanksgiving with the rest of my family. Yep...here's me...in Dallas. This...fucking sucks, I love my family and I've never not spent Thanksgiving with them. My Dallas friends are all home or almost home but still, I don't exactly feel like I have anywhere to be.

Everyday's an endless stream

of cigarettes and magazines

Each town looks the same to me, the movies and the factories

Every stranger's face i see reminds me that i long to be

homeward bound

Oh i wish i was homeward bound

Home, where my thought's escaping

Home, where my music's playing

Home, where my love lies waiting, silently for me.

rendering me freakish and dazed...

This girl has been my best friend for ever, almost continuously, since I moved to New Jersey at least, at age...12? I have been thinking about her alot lately, I guess knowing I'm going home soon, 3 weeks to the day. I guess that explains why I've been unearthing all these thoughts about all these people from home lately. I am very uncomfortable with the position I'm at with most of the people that once meant everything to me. I haven't spoken to Laura in over 3 months. Its really sad. Its really sad when you watch someone change so much, see it all happening before your eyes, knowing what's happening, with no control of the situation. I've finally accepted that no matter how much it might mean to me, I have to, and have, just let go sometimes. It just sucks when thats happening to all the most important people to you at once. Really all i have left is Gal and Lauren. Gal hates being home anyway. Home is the most important place to me, I love the frustrating, overwhelming congestion of it, the constant nag of living in the same house as my parents, dealing with my little brother (AW), even the dull constant nothingness that Southern New Jersey offers- this is just the most awful feeling losing all the people that helped form my foundation there. I guess its typical me though- ever resistant to change. But I'm going to be 21 in 10 months, moving to Copenhagen in 13, graduating in 2 years. Maybe i just need work on embracing it?

listening to : saves the day (appropriate huh? drowning in nostalgia)

cup your mouth to compress the sound...

I am listening to really old death cab albums right now. I forget that...they were good.

I am also sitting in the Atrium of Meadows (arts building, SMU) waiting for Art History at 11. I hate/love waiting around during these breaks between classes. 

I love art history but I hate these base classes like the one I'm in. I Started with the core, 3000 level courses last year that I loved... now I had to go back and take at least one of these for my minor. Horrible. I nearly fall asleep every class. Its an hour and haaaaalff looooong. Theres so many fucking people in them I cannot possibly feel comfortable entrapped shoulder to shoulder with these stupid sorority/frat girls and guys who already make me sick enough.

Anyway, my make believe Christmas list.... 

Chloe:

1

2

3

4

5

6

Posen

MiuMiu

Derek Lam

Anna Sui (spring line is omgz)

Nixon watch (actually affordable)

Marc by Marc Jacobs watch

Kelly Caleche Hermes Perfume (amazing.)

Madewell leather jacket

All this wishful thinking probably isn't healthy. 

PS. I am still sitting in the Atrium, class started 6 minutes ago. Guess I'm not going. 

Instead I'm meeting Framaliz for lunch :] Kathryn gets in town tomorrow from Mizzou!! And Steph next week! So exciting. Sabrina and I may be venturing down to Austin next weekend.

I need to start saving for Christmas pwesents... look at the adorable charm I'm getting my mom for her bracelet!  Its two peas in a pod. No doubt, there will be tears. I miss her. Its starting to set in that I'm really not going to be with a single family member for Thanksgiving. I guess Sabrinas pretty close...

(now an hour later) Listening to: Mount Eerie Singers album (obsessed)

So I took my exam...I did finally get to studying last night. It took Marie getting me to meet her at Cafe Brazil to do it though...not too much of a chore :]. I think I did alright, I just hate how this professors exams are all essay and there's soooo much material for each test it's just pointless to make us memorize so much science so that we can turn around and forget it. Its just an intro class to cover a science credit but...anyway. When we finished, Kosta and I drove around Highland Park looking for an apartment, since I'm trying to get out of mine for next semester. Saw a few hopefuls... I love living here in such a beautiful area but damn, its so fucking expensive.

...Speaking of expenses, I think I may just actually have a diagnosable problem with spending money (primarily on clothes) : / ... I just spent all my money on a sweater/sweatshirt/jacket from Anthropologie...but it was so soft...and warm...and pretty...I couldn't help myself.

I was inspired by their adorable Christmas ornaments, I want to try to copy and make ones like this for my friends as gifts.

OH! I am reaaally excited about THIS !!!!!

They are playing in Dallas the night before...but this Austin one I dont know...they make it sounds magical...and special. Plus there are people I always look forward to seeing in that fine city. Hopefully the performance will be more impressive/enjoyable than during the summer at Coney Island. More like the first I saw them, *sigh* hah... 

Anyways, I'm off to probably sit at Marie and Kellys and watch a few more discs of the My So Called Life dvd series I religiously rent and re-rent from my schools library. Its such a fucking brilliant piece of broadcast.

listening to: Madeline- Yo La Tengo

afterthoughts

I know how bad-how desperately-I need to be studying for my exam tomorrow right now...yet I cannot pick up the material...and actually engage myself. The desire just isn't there. With other subjects it is. What is that...oh I'm too busy surfing around mindless blogs and websites, oogling over things like this that I am very excited about owning in semi near future.

...Or messing around making volumes one and two of my  Super Extreme Jam-packed Fall Eessentials Compilations. I am sending Gal and Erin their copies hopefully this weekend. I always like sending mail since recieving it is...probably my favorite thing in the world next to cooking. 

Speaking of which, I am so excited, bebe Kathryn and lots of my other Dallas friends are coming in town starting this weekend for their Thanksgiving breaks!! I am so happy I get to see everyone since I'm not going home for the break. I told Kathryn I'm going to cook her up something big and special. I am thinking chicken teriyake and egg drop soup or or or this balsamic grilled chicken and basil/tomato recipe I have with cous cous. And I'm going to attempt zucchini bread tomorrow evening once this test is off my shoulders and I can relax and have fun.

Guess Ill go study...geology. bye.

currently listening to: Wooly Mammoth's Absense- Mount Eerie

try to squeeze a drop of blood, from a sugarcube.

so, there has been something bothering me alot the past couple of days. i just keep finding it on my mind and can't seem to really concentrate on anything else. which is really not convenient because i have a huge geology exam tomorrow i'm nowhere near prepared for but. i thought i had finally escaped it. i thought i finally put it behind me. then i caved. and unleashed the relentless torture upon myself for the umpteenth time. its really ridiculous at this point. thats the only word i can think of for this situation i'm in. it's just... i don't really see why... we are still here...friends... 3 years later. where is this going to be when im 24 or 25. i wouldnt be surprised if we're still stalled at this exact static frustrating threshold. i guess the thing i can't get my mind quite around is how he can look to me for all the things he does, keep contact with basically me alone, act in the contradictory way that he does toward me but still refuse to let himself feel the way any normal 21 year old guy does. any normal 21 year old person* does. allowing yourself to feel is NOT A CRIME.  earth to kevin, just because you are focused on your career and it requires most of your time doesn't mean you have to compromise your entire personal realm. anyone can commit themselves to whatever they so choose. nothing is ever going to change you though. its actually scary to think where youll be when you're 45. I just wish I didnt have this fatal defect of.... caring. fuckkkkkkk

& I almost got into a car accident this morning. 

At least I have my old friend Mr. Daniels to help whisk me away from my petty melodramatic problems!

we don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.

I am having so much fun. Well in general, not this exact moment. Because this exact moment you see, I am crippled in my bed surrounded by a plethora of dirty kleenexes and dirty dishes because all day I have been miserably trying to overcome this sudden plague thats sprung itself upon me. Every time the weather suddenly drastically changes, my body goes into panic mode and... decides to murder itself congestionally. Possbile you ask? YES. 

Anyway, last night turned out surprisingly, very well. I had to babysit on a Saturday so the Gores could go out. I didn't have any real set plans so I didn't mind being there. When they relieved me and doled out my generous compensation at about 11, I headed over to Della's, who's bbq I had left previous to my babysitting session. From there, her Kelly and I went to a party close to her house in UP then to Home Bar. Much dancing, drinking, and merriment ensued. I was tearing up "semi-charmed life" like...earth shattering performance. That photo up there was probably taken somewhere in that time frame. Anyway when we were shooed out at closing time we headed back, then...I was almost arrested again. Long story short, Highland Park cops pwn Medford New Jerseys police force. I am buying my ticket right now for Bon Iver in Philly at Trocadero, I am so excited! I haven't seen a show there in ages. So surreal how fast time flies, I can't believe I'm going home in 3 weeks. I am loving the weather, sick as it may make me. I'm off, I have to get out of my luscious bed and somehow make it to Starbucks to do economics homework. Joy.

currently listening: Hey You- Pink Floyd

I loathe loathe loathe signing up for classes.

Hi, I am Natalie Morgan Tunnard. I felt like writing things down. 

Well, I live in Dallas, Texas and go to school at Southern Methodist University. I am not religious. I love cooking, outside, the cold coldddd weather, home (Philadelphia), my wonderful friends, Copenhagen, camera collecting, getting/sending mail, Good Records, radiohead, road trips, antique shopping/garage sales, collaging, new recipes and Central Market, babysitting bratfaces, that isn't something i love as much as it is something i do to make a living I suppose. I go to school for 'advertising' and while I really appreciate my education I....sort of think college is bogus. Really, I want to one day escape to a remote island and raise a family with a fully equipt kitchen and no government or transportation and a really funny husband. I wish I could write. Instead I ramble. Good to have... introduced myself.

currently listening to Jeff Tweedy:  In A Future Age.